Enjoying a visit away

Just in brief - I'm about to go away for the weekend, visiting my brother and his family. My brother and his wife are both excellent cooks, and there is always a large amount of delicious food and drink on offer. I know they also make specially nice meals because I'm visiting..... all of which is lovely, really feeling welcomed !

So my personal aim is : to have a lovely time with them, enjoy the company of my niece and nephew, to eat when I'm hungry and to enjoy being cooked for...... but to maintain my intuitive awareness of my body's needs and hunger level. Overeating, taking second helpings when I don't really want them, or drinking a glass of wine at the same pace as my brother, will not help me. I plan to have fun but still to respect my needs and goals.

A belated Happy Thanksgiving to all the US readers!

1 mile!

Very proud and pleased with myself today as I went to the gym and ran 1 mile. Running doesn't come easily to me (I'm better with things like weights, yoga, hiking) but I wanted to give myself a cardio workout to counteract my working week of sitting at a computer. Although I didn't run very fast, and although I was noticeably sweaty and red faced afterwards, I ran the mile and then went on to do some rowing, cycling, & weights on the other gym machines, before having a sauna and steam. Hoorah !

As regards running, I plan to carry on running 1 mile when I do a cardio workout, until the point when it gets to feel easier. Then I'll increase the goal, perhaps to 1.5 miles, and so on gradually. I don't want to be a marathon runner (I have completely the wrong body build for that!), I just want to feel strong and to feel that I've pushed my body physically.

I spent about half of this weekend with M, the man I'm currently seeing. Although at times quite distracted by what feels like the beginning of something new and lovely, I did manage to eat to my own hunger level, and not to over-eat. I cooked a Friday supper for us both, and some other meals - & I was able to accept and recognise that his hunger level, and presumably need for nutrition, is greater than mine (he does a lot of cycling - burns it off!). I therefore cooked / provided more food than was needed for each meal, invited him to help himself, and ate the amount I needed at that time. The remainder or bits uneaten are in the fridge & will probably be Monday's lunch at work (particularly a very good couscous / tofu dish that I did).

Mostly during my time spent with M, I felt happy and fairly carefree. However on a few occasions, a bit of old negative self-critical thinking popped up in my mind - "What will he think of my stomach and wobbly bits?" - "Do I look too fat and unattractive in this outfit?" - and so on. I managed not to get drawn in to this way of thinking and tried my best to ban these thoughts, not giving them room inside my head. From his reactions and behaviour, M seems to like me and to be attracted to me. He has never said anything negative or critical about my body shape, and if he really didn't like it, there wouldn't have been any further meet ups after our first date. So these thoughts are actually nothing to do with him or his behaviour - it's just my ancient old habits of thinking, being triggered back into life by the uncertainty and ambiguity of being with someone new. The thoughts strike me rather like an invasive weed - brambles or bindweed. It takes continual maintenance to transform a weedy uncared-for patch of garden into a flourishing healthy spot.

Noticing...

I noticed over the last week or so that my body felt slightly different. I noticed my face appeared more defined - particularly cheekbones more prominent - and that my belly seemed a bit flatter. Eventually I weighed myself and found that the scale showed about half a stone (7 lb) less than last time.

I did feel pleased with this number on the scale - but I mostly feel pleased that I seem to have got the hang of eating intuitively. In the past few weeks, I haven't done much more exercise than usual, and I haven't been starving myself or ill. I have in fact had more restaurant meals than an average month. The difference is that I've been more aware of eating only the amount I need, and then pausing or stopping when I no longer feel hungry.

I've also noticed feeling hungry more in the past few weeks - real, physical hunger, when my stomach might rumble, perhaps 3 - 4 hours after I last ate. This is fine as a signal it's time to eat, and I acknowledge it by ensuring I do eat something to nourish myself. In the past I almost never felt hunger - or at least, not physical hunger, though plenty of yearning emotional hunger - because I'd either over-eaten, or because I snacked a lot through the day without really being hungry for food.

I'm being careful not to make myself huge promises such as "Oh I've now sorted out my entire issues with food and weight!". Instead, I'm just noticing. Noticing that my current regime is working for me. Noticing sometimes when I might reach for a whatever-it-is to eat and just checking - am I really hungry for this ? Noticing that it doesn't actually take a huge plateful of food to fill me up, a small to medium size is fine.

I have the occasional setback with body confidence - at a yoga class this week in a mirrored gym studio, I had a moment or two of looking at my body shape with dislike. "Oh look at that bulge, and the woman behind me is so slim...". I have to tell myself - just stop that. Stop comparing. Stop denigrating. It serves no purpose, benefits nobody.

Oh yes, and I'm also noticing that I'm really rather excited and hopeful about seeing M (the fig pizza man of previous entries) on Friday evening!

Red faced

I embarassed myself yesterday in the sauna at my gym....... it's been recently remodelled with a new interior layout and slightly dimmer lighting. Went in, ready to relax and enjoy after a walk and a weights workout, and sat down on a lower bench as the upper benches were already taken by a man lying down. As I sat down, the bone of my shoulder turned out to be at precisely the right height to hit....... the medical alarm button. Big, red and shiny, but I hadn't noticed it. All hell broke loose - a very loud alarm bell went off, the man lying down on the upper benches sat up with a start and hit his head, and within a few moments the sauna was full of gym staff carrying first aid equipment and what looked like defibrillators....... oh I felt mortified having to explain I'd just sat down and not noticed it !

However...... I was certainly annoyed with myself for being rather stupid. But I realised later that the shame and mortification would have been a lot greater in the past - I was in a swimsuit damp from the sauna and therefore my body shape was clearly visible. I know my dislike of my body in the past would have been my overriding concern - "how embarassing to be the fat girl in a swimsuit making a mistake". Yesterday my gender, shape, weight or clothes weren't what was in my mind. A small marker to show the changes that are going on for me.